Well, it’s Valentine’s Day, and once again you find yourself without a date. To be honest, you should have seen this coming – it’s been a hot minute since you went on a social outing that wasn’t “movies and sushi with your platonic pals.” You don’t leave the house much, and even the thought of tinder is enough to give you anxiety spasms. You’re not at the “look-up-an-ex-on-Facebook” stage (like digging up an old grave), but you’d be lying if you said the thought hadn’t crossed your mind.
So here you are, reading an independent wordpress gaming website, wondering what you can do to escape the romantic miasmata of this gruesome holiday. You’re off to a pretty good start, if we’re being honest. So allow me – Thomas “MASTER OF LOVE” Loughney (diploma pending) – to tell you how you can navigate the tricky world of video game love on this, the rawest of holidays.
HERE ARE THE FIVE VIDEO GAME RULES FOR SURVIVING VALENTINE’S DAY
5) ABSOLUTELY NO SEX
Sorry bud, no Mass Effect. “But Tom!” you say “You don’t have to fuck in Mass Effect!”
Listen, unless you’re asexual, you will fuck in Mass Effect. That’s literally the point of those games. What are you even saying? You may as well have just told me “But Tom, you don’t have to shoot anyone in Call of Duty!” What? Do you know what you sound like? Do you even hear yourself right now? I understand this is a sensitive time of the year for you, but, frankly, I don’t appreciate how aggressively you’re stepping to me. I can forgive you, but just know that you’re on thin ice, friend.
Addendum: Cast a wide “No Fucking” net. Not even a smooch can be allowed. That’s right – no Mario 64. I’m serious. When Princess Peach plants that innocent little peck on Mario’s cheek, you’ll black out and come to with some pretty unsavory deviantart pages in your search history. I’m not trying to shame you, but that’s just not a good look.
4) NO DEAD/KIDNAPPED WIVES
Wow, this is like, every video game, huh? Every video game? Wow, yup, cool – every video game has a dead wife in it. Isn’t that wild? I guess you can still play…. Peggle? Peggle should be safe. Not the sequel though – Peggle 2 deals in some pretty heady storylines.
In the real, it still shocks me how pervasive this trope is in video games. This medium’s killed a lot of betrotheds over the years. Of course, the reasoning behind this rule should be obvious; normally, the dead wife cliché is pretty ineffective, but it’s been awhile since someone showed you affection, and it’s starting to get to you. Yesterday, a dog smiled at you and you burst into tears. If your beautiful video game wife dies, you risk an emotional tailspin that ends in hard liquor, ill-advised texts, and maybe just a little bit of stress vomit. Nobody wants that, least of all you.
3) FLOSS YOUR TEETH
This isn’t so much a video game tip as it is just good life advice. I’ve started to get serious about flossing, and it’s changed my whole entire world. Flossing will make you happier, more productive, and it’ll help you fuck better. If you really want me to tie this to Valentine’s Day, how about this: Floss so you can fuck good on next year’s Valentine’s day.
Just another health tip from ol’ Doctor Tom.*
2) NO COMPANIONS
You sit before the pale glow of your computer screen, and boot up Skyrim Remastered. You’ve installed a mod that lets M’aiq the Liar act as your companion! That’s fun. Good for you! “It’s a nice day when you’re around,” he says. Thank you M’aiq, I’m glad we can be so open with each other. You shut the game down and decide to treat yourself to a mid-afternoon nap; how nice – I’m glad you were able to make today about self-care. But then, as you broach the veil of dreams, you see a figure approach – a sterling, muscular Khajiit – and, well, let’s just say he’s not known for telling the truth.
He whispers something so quiet – so gentle – that you are called forth by the ghost of his words. You can see a light coat of dew on his fur, and your upper lip begins to sweat. Your dream bodies are now mere inches from one another; you quiver and shake. You don’t know when or how it happened, but your traditional Nordic garb has been replaced with a sleek leather harness. You look up into his eyes – “what did you say?” you ask. He grabs you by your chrome cock ring, pulling you closer.
“M’aiq wants daddy’s cummies.”
This is why I give a hard No on companions – because you dream-fucked M’aiq the Liar.**
1) PLAY GTA IV
Okay, so I know this goes against, um, pretty much every rule I’ve established here (even the flossing one) and I can see that you’re not very happy about that, so let me say two things
- Fuck you.
- Oh my god, I’m so sorry, that came off way meaner than I meant it to.
- Okay, actually three things now, I had to make room for that apology, here’s number three:
Rules were made to be broken. Here’s why.
Dating in GTA IV is miserable – toe to tip. You will show up on-time and clean-shaven, and you will give a girl an absolutely lovely evening. You will take her bowling, and you will somehow turn bowling – fucking bowling! – into the coolest date on the planet Earth. The two of you will enjoy drinks, and you will take her home, and you will be a gentleman who does not invite himself in. You will kill it at dating. And the whole time, all your date will do is neg you into oblivion.
She will tell you that you don’t drive a nice enough car. She will dress down your favorite jacket. She will balk at your apartment. She will be the most superficial, aggravating human being you have ever met in your life.
This is because, historically, Rockstar is shit at writing female characters. They are worse at women than Tommy Wiseau. BUT! Let their ineptitude be your ally. Let this horrible dating experience remind you of the time a fedora-clad techbro got you kicked out of the Laugh Factory by repeatedly shouting “women aren’t funny!” Let it remind you of that girl who went on about “white genocide” loud enough for the whole Applebee’s to hear. Let it remind you of the gentleman on grindr who said (quote), “We can hang out, but I only fuck black guys.”
Let it remind you that dating can kinda fucking suck, and that, today, all you need is a good game and your fine self.
I love you, and I hope you love you too. Happy Valentine’s Day.
*I am not a doctor. Flossing does make you fuck super good, though – trust me.
**Epilogue: You have to put your tabby up for adoption because you can never look at cats the same way again.